timemorph's Journal

11:32AM

I wrote a film script 'A Child Outside Time' which is close to a 3 hour long film. Back in the real world I realised I would never be able to get this made but fancied the idea of making an emotional song about the main character. Singing is something I hardly ever do, not even when no one is around so it’s been a bit like jumping at my shyness front on. I haven’t recorded that first song but I have uploaded my factual song about Billy Cottrell that I used as the back-story of the main characters father and will be on the final Child Outside Time Album.

Check out my Myspace site - http://www.myspace.com/achildoutsidetime

12:19AM

Bored at work again and realising that it was the Summer Solstices that very evening I surfed: discovering the Rollright Stones on my doorstep and was excited to learn that there has been a pagan gathering in previous years. Particularly as I have just received ‘camera 2’ of my super hot 3d photography system. I stayed up all night and drove the 17miles in the hope of capturing a bit of pagan magic.

I got their in the pitch dark (and in one go) in the car. Looking through the trees I see lights, unfortunately that was exactly what they where –distant street lights. Bumped into two hippy trouser types on their way out as I approached the stones (just said hi because I couldn’t see their faces). It started raining again, the stones where buried in hogweed and jungle grass but no druids, onlookers or anyone at all, still it was good to see the stones (just) for the first time. Went back to the car to have a kip but after 10 minutes the bloody alarm went off and I didn’t know how to stop it. Stood away from the bastard car, locked its doors as the red light flashed in mutual anger. Unfortunately there was no visible sunrise as it lightened only me and a lot of parading black slugs in the grass. The light and the rain was so bad that the only benefit of having the cameras was to make sure they worked right, still I left in a better and more optimistic mood, finding solitude in the lack of solstice.

10:08PM - Passed!!!

For anyone that knows me I’ve passed my driving test yesterday! (the 8^th time). I have remained drunk since then, better drunk than driving. I was stressed as hell in the test but somehow auto-piloted thought it and stopped myself jumping out of the car in terror. A great start to the year (but how long can I keep drunk for?) Because of the test on the 2^nd I was only able to get to one day of the Whitby New Year celebrations in which I relearned to dance whoopee! (and almost didn’t touch a camera). Speaking of which some mean bugger has reduced my 4/5 score on You Tube. Would some dear please rectify this alteration (higher score please). Thank you XX (Roses bring Sunshine, Balloons and long fingernails)

1:57AM - WGW video

I would like to offer some immortal semi-crystalline observations from the sups of the diorama offered at Whitby Goth Weekend, the year 2003, all hallows season:

Roses bring Sunshine YouTube video
 fluffymark has made mention to this video, having found himself during a random search of You-Tube. Hadn’t you better go check? Thanks Mark
 

Balloons and sharp nails? YouTube video
After buying all those roses and these balloons I didn’t have enough money to buy a ball of string so instead I went into a charity shop, got a cassette tape of hymens and one by Barbara Streisand. Dott chose the sacrificial tape. Go to You-Tube and find out which one.

10:44PM - Yep its been a hard month

Time to reassert my assumptions:
1. I know I'm struggling to write my film; if I wasn't it would be a crap film. Follow my common sense which tells me to storyboard to get my excitement going then throw away the key until finishes first draught, context 90 pages done 40 to go.
2. It is a positive thing to go for the photography teaching job and only quarter as stressful as my last driving test. Even thought I didn't get it I can get lots of feedback which will secure my future if I want to be a teacher
3. Driving is an essential thing to learn, I don’t like driving but I am not bad at it. Driving tests are bad times to philosophise. Practice - bored now happy later, context: I am on my 8th test
4. There are no wisdom teeth in my mouth to worry about.
5. De-junk a section at a time
6. I have a lovely family that need me

Listen again to wise words that make sense to me:
1. Make hast slowly
2. Even when it’s over its not over
3. We are our own worst critic... well except for Mum

And because I'm feeling a bit down I must read a few passages from Knots:
1. :
JACK - I am frightened.
JILL - Don’t be frightened.
JACK - I am frightened to be frightened when you tell me I ought not to feel frightened
frightened
frightened to be frightened
not frightened to be frightened

not frightened
frightened not to be frightened
not frightened to be not frightened
(Yep not that bad, I mean I don’t even understand it!)

2. :
I tend to not get what I want
So
to get what I want
I pretend not to want it
I am bad to want what I can’t get
I haven’t got it
therefore I am bad to want it

If I am bad to want it
I shall be no less bad for getting it

I am bad to feel bad, and
bad to feel good
because the badder one is
the less bad one feels
(But I’ve tried so hard so maybe I should forgive myself)

Thanks RD Laing... again.

9:01PM - Driving test failed again

I have just failed my seventh driving test. About half way through the test I totally forget the gear I'm in when my anxiety levels top the balance and the whole screaming me wants the hell out of their. Up to that point the examine was fully expecting to pass me having marked no errors. Following this I almost pull out of a junction into oncoming cars, the examiner let out an exclamation of panic and I know I fucked it up again. 
I composed myself quite soon after this. Over all my tests I've had these flash points, so much so that the first time I didn’t even get out of the test centre, calling it a day after reversing over a cone which got well stuck under the car. When it popped out I was left a heap on the ground, but at least it was a humorous way to fail. Has anyone had a similar experience and found that calming pills from the doctors worked? 
I am a nervous driver but outside tests I drive well enough to pass. I am also anti cars, feeling caught on a planet of fucking morons that are slashing the planet with a smile. I am not able to know how much my phobia has to do with my strait objection to cars or whether it is mainly an anxious reflex reaction? I guess that depends how much you believe in the subconscious. How can I bloody decide not to drive if I cannot drive?

Current mood: cranky

11:34PM - Heather burning contributing to CO2 emmisions

Everyone has seen the climate change in Britain already. Mr Yallop has taken the trouble to analyse data over the past 30 years of English uplands noticing a double in heather burning over that time. Isn’t it about time we heed warnings when their given? We have a wonderful resource that actually takes carbon out of the equation in the peat bogs. Grouse can hide more effectively in deep mature (bio-diverse) heather, rare creatures can breed better in ecologically functioning heather but of course it is extremely difficult to walk through if you’re unfit and lazy. If the moors where a pre packed commodity for the consumer heather would be burnt more often to a flat consistency which is what is happening. I just hoped that the people involved with heather management have the wisdom to retain the unique character our Moors and reduce the burning, doing their bit to ensure that our children have a World to inhabit. I loved bouncing in the deepest heather I could find as a child and have noticed its decline.

“How can the human race survive the next hundred years? I don’t know the answer.”
Stephen Hawking

11:32AM - Sea aarrrr(melt)

I was enjoying Whitby flashbacks last night at Intrusion (Oxford’s Goth nightclub). Seeing people who I only ever see at Whitby Goth weekend gave me the comforting illusion that the sea was outside, Ok the fact that most of my friends I am referring to live in Coventry wouldn’t seem to help but the ‘away from the sea tension’ lifted for a brief moment. I wonder if there are many other people who have an almost biological need to be near the sea and somehow end up living in the centre of Britain?

6:23PM - WGW April 2006

WGW image for April 2006 can be found at: timemorph.co.uk